kazari | JLPT -or- It's not an inferiority complex if you really do suck!

So a bit more than 6 months ago I was sitting in a Japanese classroom in Japan when Mike, sweet Mike, dared raise his hand and ask our highest ranking teacher about the JLPT. The other instructors had danced around the issue in previous classes. I'm not sure if that was because they weren't familiar with it or they just didn't want to inflict that much pain, but head teacher didn't feel that need for restraint. In a good twenty minute rant she dressed us down as a class, laying out why our collective skills were just not up to par and what our sad, sorry prospects were on the fabled proficiency test.

Somehow we all got out of that lesson feeling a little battered and abused, but with a goal in mind: Just to take that damn test and really see. So, being by far the most clueless member of the class I knew I had no hope. I made a decision to sign up for the 2kyuu test this December and just take it to take it. Sure, I wouldn't pass...but who am I kidding? I'm no linguistic genius. It isn't as though after two years of rushed study I have skills that could be classified as misunderstood and just need polishing to be... anything but shit. In two words: I suck. And, I put my name on that list with the full intent of not passing the damn thing. Just take it to see what it is really like. Now, the test is just days away and for some reason I'm panicking. Guilt is eating away at me.

What the hell?! I am intending to fail. I made a plan to fail. I wanted to waltz in, set my ass down in the 2kyuu test, dick around for three or four hours, and leave depressed but with a clear goal in mind for later. Yes, I know this is an expensive form of dicking around. Yes, I know the test is being reformed/written soon. Still! My patchwork Japanese education has left me feeling...patchworked. I want some direction.

But damn it, I'm nervous! Why, self? Why?! I'm going to cry on Sunday. More than once. I can feel it. Why?! Ugh.

You know... My dad turned to me over Thanksgiving break and asked, "If I wanted to help you look for Japanese jobs, what title do you think you'd hold? Translator?" Oh, dad. What part of "I read at a 3rd grade level." don't you understand?

....so. How's your week?